|working through the changes of my body and soul|
Letters to an Angel
According to Amber
Descent into the Dungeon
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
posted by L | 6:23 PM
John has just recently posted about this, but i've decided to write mine before i read his, because this has been bouncing around my head a lot lately, and hopefully will be as interesting as i think it is to the rest of the world.
there's a new couple that has recently joined our local group, in search of new ways to bring more intimacy into their lives, and in search of new levels to themselves. they're warm, engaging, and genuinely interested in learning. they have struggled with the vast ocean of info on BDSM out there, so we have gladly allowed them to ask all the questions of us they wish, and have tried to answer as completely as possible.
the most important thing we've been trying to communicate to them is that this lifestyle is what you make it, and that what works for some will not necessarily work for others. we've made it as clear as we can that if they only want one aspect of the lifestyle in their lives (be it discipline, be it flogging, be it domestic service), that's okay. what's important is they make it work for them, take what they can use, and not worry about the rest.
at the same time, we've done our best to show them as many aspects of it as we can, either personally or through other members of our group, as well as referring them to several other weblogs besides ours.
as we all know, the lifestyle is hugely varied and rich, and not everyone is into the same things, and i think that's what makes it so amazing. as John and i do our best to find what works for us within the realm of BDSM, this process of helping another couple along has helped me answer questions of myself and of our relationship that i didn't realize i didn't have ready answers to.
at one point, they asked what it is that makes me want to take off my clothes and be flogged, and to even do it in front of others. this wasn't something i'd ever seriously thought about before, and i realized right away that i don't actually know the full reason myself, only that i am certain it is something i want and need. i talked about my exhibitionist streak, and i talked about the reward of the natural high from the pain/endorphins relationship, and the complete and beautiful trust it takes for me to be able to do it, and how that trust is not only in John, but in the group to which we belong as well.
it was quite a revelation to myself, and i imagine it gave them even more to think about.
so that's all for now, but i'm sure we both will have more to say as the mentoring continues.
Sunday, November 21, 2004
posted by L | 5:25 PM
i don’t actually have any idea whether this will end up in a post, but i have to get this out.
last nite, this morning, whatever you want to call 3 am, it became clearer to me than ever before that communication is more important than anything else in this relationship. of course, the hope is that communication will be paramount to any relationship, but when the goal is total trust and complete submission, communication is quite a bit more of a requirement. i have to know that he understands what i need, and i have to understand what he needs. i have to know what he wants, what he intends, and what his plans are for the future.
and i have to know (read: remember) that if i make an assumption, it could in fact be wrong.
John and i have recently come to the conclusion that there isn’t anything on this earth that he would ask me to do that i wouldn’t do. the flipside to that is, he wouldn’t ask me to do anything i wouldn’t want to do, or wouldn’t be willing to at least try. so every time we go into any sort of scene-mode, whether strictly sex, play, or just him reminding me that he is in fact the top here, we both know that we can go into it with no reservations.
all except for the part where i freak out and make a sweeping assumption totally unfounded in reality.
first, let me say that yesterday was a pretty intense day. we worked our asses off all day cooking for our monthly lifestyle group party, then we actually played at the party in front of some new people, and the week previous for both of us had been pretty stressful. so the culmination within the scene was, well, intense. i fell hard and fast into subspace, and lasted longer on the cross than either of us thought i would, but when i was done, and my body started to sag, i was DONE. and i think he was as well, frankly. he had definitely done more of the kitchen work than i had yesterday, so was already more physically tired than i when we got to the party. so even though i came out of subspace fairly well and quickly, he was feeling all of his emotions and exhaustion post-scene as well, and we both needed more aftercare, i think, than we realized.
on the way home, he said “i think i’m actually having Dom-drop, which i’ve only really read about.” and i made a point to offer that if there was anything i could do in addition to pouring him some wine when we got home, to please say so. my abilities in aftercare of him are limited at best, due to my intense journey into and out of subspace, so once i’ve recovered, i really try to do more for him, but am definitely not always successful. last nite, i really wanted to be successful, both to thank him, and because it’s important to me.
we settled in, he with his wine, i with my water, and watched some tv just to unwind a bit. then around 2 we headed for the bedroom. we were sleepy, but the usual post-scene-sex i always craved couldn’t happen at the party, so we both had that on our minds as well.
we did some of that, at first. it was lovely and intense, and aside from being wonderfully pleasurable, it served to further tire both of us. but once a few moments of rest happened, he started playing with my nether regions again, this time with his most capable hands, and i, not being one to ignore these times, gladly accepted.
then at one moment, he was using “the Voice” on me, telling me to ask for it, telling me to in fact ask permission to orgasm at that moment, and for whatever reason, it threw me. and i say “for whatever reason”, because we have often experimented with words and phrases, and often tried new things to say at those important moments. and John is pretty sure we’ve actually used that particular phrase before (or something really similar), but i didn’t remember it, and for some reason, instead of seeing it as it was intended, i (and here’s the huge sweeping assumption) took it to mean that “from now on, i would have to ask permission to orgasm”.
stupid. and utterly ridiculous.
so when i stopped, and said “i don’t think i’m ready for that”, it in turn threw him for a loop, and most decidedly caused a hurt that i can only imagine, and can’t really stand that i caused.
once we had come out of the sexual euphoria that had hold of us, it was around 3 am, and instead of falling asleep next to me from blissful exhaustion (because at that point i was not aware of the hurt i had caused), he surprised me by getting up and getting dressed again.
okay, so here i go from total euphoric sleepiness to complete shock, and a HUGE desire to know why the heck he wasn’t laying down to sleep next to me. he said “it’s not anything to bother with at 3 am, you need to rest”, and because i do in fact have a pretty darn good ability to read him, i knew it was a big deal no matter what he said, and i said “well, that’s not actually going to help me sleep.”
thankfully, he stayed long enough to share what he was feeling, with not too much prodding from me. and that was when i realized what a sweeping assumption i had made, and how utterly ridiculous it was, and how i just need to remember that i have a LOT to learn.
does it make any sense that instead of accepting the phrase “Master may I come?” within the moment as it was intended, and as similar phrases have often been used with us before, i unnaturally assumed that he was proposing a sweeping change?
go ahead, say it with me: NOPE.
and i still have no reason to say why i did take it that way. even now, it makes no sense to me, and we’ve actually talked it out and both feel better (at least i’m pretty sure we both do) now.
maybe it was the long day. maybe it was the importance of some of the personal discussions we’ve been having lately. maybe it was all of it combined with stress and 3 am that caused it. i wish i knew, cuz dammit i don’t want to repeat it ever.
i get that i will screw up. i get that these things sometimes happen. i get that lots of stumbling blocks are going to be thrown in my and our path.
but the only way to learn from my mistakes is to figure what caused them, so i can watch for it next time. and i just don’t know why the fuck this happened.
the good news is, like i said, we did finally talk today, after some sleep. i am sure that one or two things will come up again as discussion, especially given the kind of hurt i so completely unwittingly caused. but the harmony is slowly replacing the discord of the nite, and i at least feel more like we are communicating well again.
wow. who knew being in love could be this difficult?
i think Nicholas Cage said it best: “Love don’t make things nice. It ruins EVERYTHING.”
Monday, November 15, 2004
posted by L | 6:47 PM
okay. i was going to get on here and check for new comments/new possible ideas for posting before starting this, but the website is apparently down for a bit, and since i really want to write before i go to bed, i’ll have to try this.
problem is, i really am not sure what to write about now.
i guess the easiest subject would be punishment, since John and I have been discussing it some lately, and have found, once again, that we totally agree on the subject. we are both of the mind that punishment for us should not involve anything resembling our regular play. he assures me (and i have no doubt) that he could deliver a spanking that i would not mistake for play, but the problem for him and i is the mixed message this could produce. as in, even if i would know it was a punishment spanking, how is that good? since i crave the release and the endorphins from the kind of pain he delivers when we are scening, why would we want to take that and make it part of a bad thing?
and another part is, we are both in agreement that we’re not really able to imagine a moment where i would need to be punished. yes, it is within the realm of possibility, since i do happen to be human (no matter what he thinks at those particularly magical moments), but we have such an amazing communication that if i didn’t want to do something he asked, all i would have to do is say so, and we’d talk about it. there is no need for me to resist, to be willful at the wrong moments. there has been no need for us to not talk about things that either of us doesn’t like. some conversations are more difficult than others, but they’re still conversations. they’re not fights, and they’re not times when he says something like “do what i tell you, dammit” and i say “NO!”
frankly, if that happened, it would mean we were both WAY out of whack, and that would just be an entirely different problem.
but the point is, i don’t get the parts in other d/s relationships where the punishment involves rougher sex, harder spankings, or anything of the sort.
as John has said to me more than once, “Bad girls don’t GET spanked.” this is far more effective for us than any of the other things we’ve seen from other blogs, and is another part of why we work so well together.
and as we also said the other night when we first started discussing this, he and i both know that if i truly displeased him, the punishment my own head would bring in the form of mental self-flagellation would be far far worse than anything of which he would think.
so again, this is all about finding what works within our relationship, right? and i am thankful to all the other blogs i’ve been reading lately, for helping me (and i imagine others) think about things i wouldn’t normally think about, and to help me figure what doesn’t work for me as much as what does.
that’s all for now.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
posted by L | 9:36 PM
okay, was reading danae’s recent posts, and hit on the one about titles and honorifics, and thankfully it gave me an idea for my post, since i am technically behind in my once-a-week commitment.
titles and honorifics have always been difficult for me, no matter the situation, real life or lifestyle related. for example, the word “Sir” just does not come out of my mouth without a conscious effort, except on rare, not-thinking-about-it moments. (this has caused members of my volunteer organization no end of annoyance, since some of them outrank me.) i don’t honestly know whether i have blocked out the ability to use the word, whether i just project myself as an equal in all situations and therefore think i don’t have to say it, or if i just choose to assume that they know i’m respecting them so why should i add that extra word to my sentence?
and the word “ma’am” is almost as difficult. i HATE it when ppl call me that, no matter how old or young i’m looking that day, so i tend not to use it when referring to others. living where i do, it is used much more often, and is 99% of the time meant respectfully, but i still don’t like it.
and i know that words only have the power i give them, which makes me wonder even more why some of them are so difficult to get out of my mouth.
so with regard to the lifestyle, it’s a DARN good thing John doesn’t expect me to call him anything other than John, in general. :)
now, don’t get me wrong: he would LOVE to have me call him Master all the time. or at least, more of the time than i do. but the good news is, he knows that it doesn’t come easily for me, no matter how i feel, and that makes the moments when i do say it that much more precious.
and it is getting easier. the best part is knowing that what that word means to us is all that matters, which helps.
one of the things i’m learning is that while the honorifics don’t come easy, the more i use them and think about them, the more i like them. so while i may not call everyone who deserves it “Sir” or “Ma’am” in the vanilla world at all the appropriate moments, it is getting easier to remember to use them within the lifestyle. the good thing about the group to which we belong is that there are not general group protocol requirements. if a couple has their own, they observe them at meetings and such, but the rules are not imposed generally, which i think is pretty cool. it gives everyone a chance to learn what is right for them, to learn what parts of the lifestyle they like and want more of, and the parts they don’t want in their personal version of the lifestyle. i can see and hear others using words or play styles with which i’m not familiar, and decide if i want to know more about it myself. this has been a pretty useful opportunity.
and now my train of thought has traveled to another subject, that of the rituals various styles observe, and i think that will be at least part of my next post.