i don’t actually have any idea whether this will end up in a post, but i have to get this out.

last nite, this morning, whatever you want to call 3 am, it became clearer to me than ever before that communication is more important than anything else in this relationship. of course, the hope is that communication will be paramount to any relationship, but when the goal is total trust and complete submission, communication is quite a bit more of a requirement. i have to know that he understands what i need, and i have to understand what he needs. i have to know what he wants, what he intends, and what his plans are for the future.

and i have to know (read: remember) that if i make an assumption, it could in fact be wrong.

John and i have recently come to the conclusion that there isn’t anything on this earth that he would ask me to do that i wouldn’t do. the flipside to that is, he wouldn’t ask me to do anything i wouldn’t want to do, or wouldn’t be willing to at least try. so every time we go into any sort of scene-mode, whether strictly sex, play, or just him reminding me that he is in fact the top here, we both know that we can go into it with no reservations.

all except for the part where i freak out and make a sweeping assumption totally unfounded in reality.

first, let me say that yesterday was a pretty intense day. we worked our asses off all day cooking for our monthly lifestyle group party, then we actually played at the party in front of some new people, and the week previous for both of us had been pretty stressful. so the culmination within the scene was, well, intense. i fell hard and fast into subspace, and lasted longer on the cross than either of us thought i would, but when i was done, and my body started to sag, i was DONE. and i think he was as well, frankly. he had definitely done more of the kitchen work than i had yesterday, so was already more physically tired than i when we got to the party. so even though i came out of subspace fairly well and quickly, he was feeling all of his emotions and exhaustion post-scene as well, and we both needed more aftercare, i think, than we realized.

on the way home, he said “i think i’m actually having Dom-drop, which i’ve only really read about.” and i made a point to offer that if there was anything i could do in addition to pouring him some wine when we got home, to please say so. my abilities in aftercare of him are limited at best, due to my intense journey into and out of subspace, so once i’ve recovered, i really try to do more for him, but am definitely not always successful. last nite, i really wanted to be successful, both to thank him, and because it’s important to me.

we settled in, he with his wine, i with my water, and watched some tv just to unwind a bit. then around 2 we headed for the bedroom. we were sleepy, but the usual post-scene-sex i always craved couldn’t happen at the party, so we both had that on our minds as well.

we did some of that, at first. it was lovely and intense, and aside from being wonderfully pleasurable, it served to further tire both of us. but once a few moments of rest happened, he started playing with my nether regions again, this time with his most capable hands, and i, not being one to ignore these times, gladly accepted.

then at one moment, he was using “the Voice” on me, telling me to ask for it, telling me to in fact ask permission to orgasm at that moment, and for whatever reason, it threw me. and i say “for whatever reason”, because we have often experimented with words and phrases, and often tried new things to say at those important moments. and John is pretty sure we’ve actually used that particular phrase before (or something really similar), but i didn’t remember it, and for some reason, instead of seeing it as it was intended, i (and here’s the huge sweeping assumption) took it to mean that “from now on, i would have to ask permission to orgasm”.

stupid. and utterly ridiculous.

so when i stopped, and said “i don’t think i’m ready for that”, it in turn threw him for a loop, and most decidedly caused a hurt that i can only imagine, and can’t really stand that i caused.

once we had come out of the sexual euphoria that had hold of us, it was around 3 am, and instead of falling asleep next to me from blissful exhaustion (because at that point i was not aware of the hurt i had caused), he surprised me by getting up and getting dressed again.

okay, so here i go from total euphoric sleepiness to complete shock, and a HUGE desire to know why the heck he wasn’t laying down to sleep next to me. he said “it’s not anything to bother with at 3 am, you need to rest”, and because i do in fact have a pretty darn good ability to read him, i knew it was a big deal no matter what he said, and i said “well, that’s not actually going to help me sleep.”

thankfully, he stayed long enough to share what he was feeling, with not too much prodding from me. and that was when i realized what a sweeping assumption i had made, and how utterly ridiculous it was, and how i just need to remember that i have a LOT to learn.

does it make any sense that instead of accepting the phrase “Master may I come?” within the moment as it was intended, and as similar phrases have often been used with us before, i unnaturally assumed that he was proposing a sweeping change?

go ahead, say it with me: NOPE.

and i still have no reason to say why i did take it that way. even now, it makes no sense to me, and we’ve actually talked it out and both feel better (at least i’m pretty sure we both do) now.

maybe it was the long day. maybe it was the importance of some of the personal discussions we’ve been having lately. maybe it was all of it combined with stress and 3 am that caused it. i wish i knew, cuz dammit i don’t want to repeat it ever.

EVER.

i get that i will screw up. i get that these things sometimes happen. i get that lots of stumbling blocks are going to be thrown in my and our path.

but the only way to learn from my mistakes is to figure what caused them, so i can watch for it next time. and i just don’t know why the fuck this happened.

the good news is, like i said, we did finally talk today, after some sleep. i am sure that one or two things will come up again as discussion, especially given the kind of hurt i so completely unwittingly caused. but the harmony is slowly replacing the discord of the nite, and i at least feel more like we are communicating well again.

wow. who knew being in love could be this difficult?

i think Nicholas Cage said it best: “Love don’t make things nice. It ruins EVERYTHING.”

blessed be,
L