working through the changes of my body and soul


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Monday, November 15, 2004

mixed messages

posted by L | 6:47 PM

okay. i was going to get on here and check for new comments/new possible ideas for posting before starting this, but the website is apparently down for a bit, and since i really want to write before i go to bed, i’ll have to try this.

problem is, i really am not sure what to write about now.

i guess the easiest subject would be punishment, since John and I have been discussing it some lately, and have found, once again, that we totally agree on the subject. we are both of the mind that punishment for us should not involve anything resembling our regular play. he assures me (and i have no doubt) that he could deliver a spanking that i would not mistake for play, but the problem for him and i is the mixed message this could produce. as in, even if i would know it was a punishment spanking, how is that good? since i crave the release and the endorphins from the kind of pain he delivers when we are scening, why would we want to take that and make it part of a bad thing?

and another part is, we are both in agreement that we’re not really able to imagine a moment where i would need to be punished. yes, it is within the realm of possibility, since i do happen to be human (no matter what he thinks at those particularly magical moments), but we have such an amazing communication that if i didn’t want to do something he asked, all i would have to do is say so, and we’d talk about it. there is no need for me to resist, to be willful at the wrong moments. there has been no need for us to not talk about things that either of us doesn’t like. some conversations are more difficult than others, but they’re still conversations. they’re not fights, and they’re not times when he says something like “do what i tell you, dammit” and i say “NO!”

frankly, if that happened, it would mean we were both WAY out of whack, and that would just be an entirely different problem.

but the point is, i don’t get the parts in other d/s relationships where the punishment involves rougher sex, harder spankings, or anything of the sort.

as John has said to me more than once, “Bad girls don’t GET spanked.” this is far more effective for us than any of the other things we’ve seen from other blogs, and is another part of why we work so well together.

and as we also said the other night when we first started discussing this, he and i both know that if i truly displeased him, the punishment my own head would bring in the form of mental self-flagellation would be far far worse than anything of which he would think.

so again, this is all about finding what works within our relationship, right? and i am thankful to all the other blogs i’ve been reading lately, for helping me (and i imagine others) think about things i wouldn’t normally think about, and to help me figure what doesn’t work for me as much as what does.

that’s all for now.

blessed be,


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