working through the changes of my body and soul


this space reserved for a blurb about me and/or this weblog


September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
May 2005
September 2005
February 2006
April 2006
May 2006
January 2007


John's Journey
danae whispering
Letters to an Angel
According to Amber
Descent into the Dungeon




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Saturday, January 27, 2007

does anyone but me read this anymore?

posted by L | 8:35 AM

jeez. I won't apologize, but I'll hope someone reads this. I'm busy. that's that.

John stayed in the hospital a whole week. He walked from ICU up to his room, without the stairs, and walked every time the physical therapist came to see him. He impressed everyone with his quick recovery, and the truth is, impressed me, too.

it's been almost a year now since all of this happened. He's still here, but he hasn't been the angel with regard to lifestyle changes he thought he would be. :)

Turns out, that makes him perfectly normal. I read in a recent article that 9 out of 10 heart patients fail to follow their doctor's advice for diet changes and exercise needs. Good or bad, at least he's normal.

So we go on, day to day, trying to figure out a way for him to retire, or back off his work schedule, and still afford our lives! we had good holidays this past year, and New Year's Eve is always an auspicious time for us, so we made that extra lovely.

in short, we continue to love more than we thought possible.

now we just have to figure out the rest.

Blessed be,

8:35 AM [permalink] | |

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

how does the time go so quickly?

posted by L | 7:10 PM

The more I read posts on blogs or journals belonging to friends, the more I wish I had the time to devote to this that they do.

There are two in particular that I love to read, but they are both people who don't work outside their homes, so that actually helps them find the time. I am certain that if I could find a job not requiring 8+ hours away every day, I would write more.

I also think, they're willing to commit the time. I don't know whether I am, I just wish I could find a way to fit it all in.

so, on with the story.

John returned that Monday for the catheterization. I dropped him off and went to work, and basically fretted and was mostly worthless while I waited for word. He didn't call me until 4:15!! I practically ran to the car, have no real memory of getting to the hospital, and found my way to the heart area.

It was there he told me what was up. He said "how much do you want to know?"

I said, "Everything."

He said "I have to have bypass surgery."

No idea what happened next. I'm sure I cried a little out of shock, and I'm sure he said comforting things, etc. etc. etc. The next thing I remember was a couple of friends coming by to see how he was, and asking me how I was, and the only thing I could say was "I'm a wreck" and laugh nervously. He eventually got assigned a room, and sent me home to check on the cats and find us both some food for dinner. I called everyone I could think of in the short drive home, trying to stay focused on the road (but still have no real memory of the drive).

I got back, we ate, we discussed. He said they were going to try to work him in to the schedule for Tuesday, and if they couldn't, the surgery would be Wednesday morning.

At some point, I went home for the evening. We had discussed my staying there with him, but realized that if I was going to sleep at all, I would sleep better in my own bed.

Sleep was a long time coming. It's a little ridiculous, how much crap there is on after 10 pm.

Next day, I went to work and waited for him to call me to tell me the surgery was coming, and I should leave work then. The call never came; they didn't find room in the schedule. I went up after work, again left at some point to find food, went back up and stayed with him for as long as I could. We knew surgery prep would start early, so we figured what time I should be there.

My phone rang at 4:30 the next morning, it was John saying they had come for surgical prep much earlier than planned, and I should come as soon as I could.

So I did. And, as it turned out, they actually took him away a whopping 20 mintues sooner than they had said.

I don't know who's in charge of those things, but they need to get their shit together.

Letting go of his hand outside the surgical waiting room was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and a moment I'll not forget. I don't cry in front of strangers. Hell, I barely cry in front of John, even after all we've been thru. But there I was, tears streaming down my face in front of what felt like the whole world (and was, in reality, about 3 people), and *trying* to tell him I loved him, and all would be well, and I'd be there the whole time.

It was horrid, and I don't ever want to do it again.

Fortunately, though he struggles a bit with some of the lifestyle and diet changes since surgery, John doesn't want to ever do it again, either.

The hospital at which this all happened has the best staff I've ever seen. During surgeries, they have a chaplain who scrubs in to each room and checks on patients and progress, and then reports to the family members in the waiting room!! It helped *so* much for me, I can't begin to tell you. Eventually, my mom (who lives out of state) sent some friends to sit with me, and that helped a lot, too. I wasn't really thinking of myself at all, so when one of my friends on the phone asked me if I were alone waiting, I said "yeah, but it's okay. The whole world is calling me, I don't feel alone."

thank goodness Mom was thinking of me, too. sometimes they really do know best.

The surgery seemed to go very quickly. They let me in to see him in ICU almost right after, and I left there a bit shaken, but full of joy to just see him again, alive and breathing.

okay, have to go. don't really feel like crying, and am almost there.

blessed be,

7:10 PM [permalink] | |

Thursday, April 27, 2006

As I grow, so this changes

posted by L | 8:17 PM

The whole idea of this blog was to get me to write.

The total lack of regular postings throws that out the window, but please, dear readers, rest assured it's not because I don't think about it. the hard part is, there are so many things I can think of that need doing right now (or at least, before i go to bed), all of which preclude sitting down at the computer and writing for any length of time.

but i'm going to try, because i actually like it, and because i *really* like to come back and find comments from others who read my stuff!

and i'm going to try because a lot has happened since my last post. a VERY lot. the short version is, John had (and is recovering from) quadruple bypass surgery in March.

go ahead, read it again. it bears repeating.

and no, it wasn't planned. it wasn't an emergency in the sense of "he had chest pains so we went to the hospital and they kept him for surgery that day", but it was unexpected.

and it still has quite a lot of intensity about it, enough that i'm sure i'll shed a tear or two before finishing this post. (which is why I've decided not to post the whole story at once.)

the last Saturday in February, I woke up around 5:30 because I could hear him in, well, I guess "distress" is the best word. i got up and came into the living room (he had fallen asleep there the night before) to see what was up. somehow, and i really don't remember how, he walked back to the bedroom with me, all the while trying to tell me what was up. he managed to speak enough to tell me that his chest hurt, but also his wrists hurt and were sore to the touch, and that was all i could get out of his communication.

for those of you totally unaware, John is 17 years older than I, and not in perfect shape. so the occassional shortness-of-breath chest pain wasn't out of our experience. and then there's the fact that I basically did not have a clue what was going on, and asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital, and he said he didn't know, either.

the oddness of the symptoms totally threw us both off, and as a result, we did nothing then.

that's me. first aid and rescue training from the Brownies on thru adulthood, and we did nothing.

(yeah, i admit, I've beaten myself up about this a little. the voice is hard to shut up sometimes.)

what he did do, once the pain had subsided, was look up his symptoms as he understood them, and try to figure out what to do next. He is and was uninsured (long story, but sucks), so we got him an appointment at the local free clinic(Thursday), and they sent him for some tests at the hospital the next week (another Thursday).

The main test was called a "myocardial perfusion", and it apparently sucked as far as John was concerned. Once the results were read by the cardiologist, they wanted to keep him that night for another test. John told me that part, but until the cardiologist talked to me, i didn't understand that they *really* wanted to keep him that night. They scheduled a cardiac catheterization for the next Monday, because that was as soon as John could commit to returning for the test without totally abandoning doing payroll for a company of almost 200 people to a new person who was mostly untrained.

that's all I can write for now. this is harder to relive than I thought it would be. take heart, if you're affected thus: he is back and getting better every day.

blessed be,

8:17 PM [permalink] | |

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

i am the queen

posted by L | 3:23 PM

of procrastination, that is. it took me coming home sick from work to find time to do this.

(and just how often does one have to blow one's nose before it stops, i ask you??)

nothing and everything have changed since the last post. married-yes, John working harder than ever-yes, and more in love than the day before-yes!

i topped, by myself, in November, with the same male sub John and i had topped together before. John was there, watching, and came away very proud of me, which felt really good. I was really proud of me, too!! and i actually sent him in to subspace, which he said was only the third time ever! i hope that wasn't just a fluke of beginner's luck, cuz *wow* that was some kind of intense. i just wish i could take a few more steps forward in the area. i know there's more than one person in our lifestyle group looking for a female to top them, so it's not as if i have no one from which to choose . . . it's weird. i so easily put that part of me on hold. i really have to talk to John about helping me get past that, cuz i won't do it alone very easily.

about a week or so ago, John was feeling rather sick, and i was trying and trying to get him to let me take care of him, and he said "i'm so used to treating you as my equal, i forget to be the Master sometimes."

it sticks in my head, because it completely sums us up. and i love it. :) we are so completely suited to each other, we want so many of the same things, that we consult each other on everything no matter what. big decisions are basically his, but he always asks me for my input, and really does think and consider it, especially if i really disagree.

i've never been so loved, i didn't know it was possible.

okay, now i feel like i'm babbling. Happy Valentine's Day to all who celebrate it, happy Tuesday to the rest. ;)

blessed be,

3:23 PM [permalink] | |

Sunday, September 18, 2005

MROOOOW! It was four months!

posted by L | 11:00 AM

Oh my gosh. I can't believe it's gone by so quickly. I admit, we've been endlessly busy, John got promoted again (YAY!), but it doesn't make it any easier to post dut to an increased busy schedule.

Thanks to those who still read me, it means a lot to see your comments when I know how poor a correspondent I'm being. I'm supposed to be getting my own computer again soon (mine doesn't work very well lately, so am using his for all my stuff when he's not on it working), so that will help.

and the big news is: WE GOT MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am the absolute happiest bride/new wife in the world, let me tell you!! The wedding day was so far beyond perfect, there just aren't words. and we spent two nights in the most amazing luxury hotel afterward, most of the time spent in bed ;) and some of the time spent in the jacuzzi that was in the suite with us. :) only two nights because of course John had to work the week after, but it still meant time off, and him relaxed, and that's worth everything.

and since I've posted, we've done a little bit of traveling, and had some house guests, and all kinds of great dinners out . . . and we just fall in love a little more every day, too. I have changed so very much from the woman who first started this blog, but the best part is that the real me is what's coming out, and he loves her, and I love her, and gosh I missed her! the years I spent before meeting John put me in a place I never want to be again, and since I've married the man who accepts all of me, and gives me exactly what I need to be the real me, I won't have to go there.:)

so life is, well, perfect, except that we both still have to work and therefore can't spend every waking moment together. but hell, that's something we'll just have to deal with, though I don't think I'll ever truly get used to it. returning to the real world after a weekend with him is so hard . . .

gosh. is it possible to be more in love now than I was five minutes ago??? damn I love him.

and I, the bride, was resplendent in purple, and it was perfect. :)

sending love and all the blessings to everyone,

11:00 AM [permalink] | |

Thursday, May 05, 2005

i swear, we're not dead

posted by L | 6:54 AM

Just in case any of our friends are still wondering, John and I are not, in fact, dead or anything. He's been promoted twice since January, which is great, but which means 60 hour weeks, at least for now. this means our life is, well, busier than ever before.

and oh yeah, i'm busier than i'd like, too, though thankfully not on overtime very often.


but we're approaching our anniversary of the day we met, and celebration is in the air!

I hope all are well, and perhaps it won't be 4 months til next post? i can hope.

blessed be,

6:54 AM [permalink] | |

Sunday, January 09, 2005

me on top!!

posted by L | 6:34 PM

wow. i’m a . . . switch!

it’s official, now, is what i mean. John and I were asked by a new friend to scene with him at our monthly play party, with us both topping, and i did it!! as it turned out, John let me do 95% of it, with him guiding, assisting, and observing. the bottom is male, and very inexperienced as far as play (his assessment), but was wanting to play with us, so we talked and negotiated and discussed, and in the end it was a clear YES from both of us. :)

we used the cross at the party, strung him up, and started, with the intention of the scene being very light, both because he hasn’t played much, and because it was my first time really topping someone.

and can i just say right now . . . i felt FABULOUS afterward. and i felt like i have a hell of a lot to learn, which isn’t a bad thing, but is a little daunting.

the bottom said he really enjoyed it, there were none of the many implements that were used on him that he hated, though the wooden spoon came close (which i totally understand, it’s pretty intense). he did not seem to go very deep, which is good, again because i am such a novice. John worked a little with the floggers, and i found myself fondest of the various slapping devices, because at this point i felt i had the most control with them, and could deliver good contacts with them without fear of wraparound or wild hits in general. but, i also used a couple of floggers, and i can see how they will be favorites soon.

i also used a wartenburg wheel, curry combs, a metal-toothed comb, and i started with these really awesome simple garden gloves that have rubber nibs all over them that do a superb job of bringing the sensation level up slowly but surely. the bottom said, “those are really interesting” about ten times, so i think he liked them the best. i also clothespinned his nipples, as he had said he can take quite a lot on his nipples; by the bodily reaction, i think he liked that pretty well, too. :)

in light of my high feeling, John suggested we not play ourselves that evening, which made sense to me as well (even though i always want to play), so we simply made sure the bottom was okay (with the glow in his cheeks, i surely think he was), and sat around and talked about the scene some more with him, and socialized some more with our party group.

by the time we decided to leave, i was still feeling very glowy myself, but could definitely feel the beginning of a return to normal, so the timing was good.

and when we got home, John said “what do you want to do now?” i said “play”, and then said “even though i know you’re maybe not in full form” or something to that effect, as it was pretty late by then, but he said even if he couldn’t manage a full-fledged scene, he was more than willing to treat me to a spanking. and this was after he told me how proud he was of my performance with the bottom, which i think meant more than any of the feelings i was having myself.

and wow do i love it when he spanks me. he has the most intense ability with his hands . . . mmmmm.


so all in all, this has been a pretty darned fabulous weekend. he woke me this morning with more spankings, and darn if my behind isn’t a little stingy just thinking about it!! :)

happy sunday, all, and blessed be.


6:34 PM [permalink] | |