this man. this man. this man has changed my life, i swear.

now, don’t get me wrong, i am my own person. i think, i walk, i talk, i have a college degree, all of which i got on my own (with a little help from my friends along the way). and, i’ve actually been in love before.

but, i swear, not like this. not anything like this.

you know that moment when you’ll just be sitting somewhere, and it just hits you that you get to go see that person you love in a little while, and that wave of joy rolls over you?

multiply that by about a billion, and then imagine that every moment of every day.

that’s how it is.

the fact that i’m sitting here writing about it instead of kissing him is only because he’s so amazing: he encourages me to take the time to write at all, and i actually DO it. i might even get into my book again soon because of him. writing it, that is, not reading; i read at least 3 books at a time anyway, even with him in my life.

but that’s not all he’s done.

he has taken my ice-cold, solidly frozen heart and absolutely melted away every last bit of fear, of hurt, of pain. he has brought a level of joy to my days of which i had only dreamed. and yes, i do sound like a movie, or a hopeless romantic, but that’s what i am, and it’s because of him.

and the cynically sarcastic side of me still exists, because i do actually live in THIS world of tragically comic happenings, but most of the time, i just float. our world together is so not the normal world. when i get home at nite, unless there’s some reason we can’t just go home and be together, it’s all about us. i take the time to call friends; he takes the time to do his things, of course. but we do them together, in our shared household, and every moment we can, we talk or kiss or hug or just communicate with ‘i love yous’. and when the outside stuff is done, when dinner is finished and the dishes mostly cleaned, the air changes a little, and we both know it’s our time completely.

and i feel sorry for anyone who doesn’t understand at least a little, cuz it’s so hard to explain. after a weekend together of even the most mundane things (laundry, errands, etc.), going back to work on monday is EXCRUCIATING. stepping back in to what everyone else perceives as normal has become the hardest thing either of us has to do. especially if there’s been the usual amount of sex for the weekend, which is a LOT; then it’s even worse. sometimes, the thought of leaving that bed for any reason just seems sacrilegious.

so, most of the time, we just don’t.

i swear, the man has talents most ppl only dream of. i certainly dreamed of them, but until i met him, didn’t even really know of what i was dreaming. first, there’s the kissing. then, there are the extremely talented massage techniques. add to that his skills at oral sex.

oh, i could go on for days about that. for instance, the fact that until this moment in my life, no one who had ever done that for me/to me/whatever had ever gotten me to orgasm more than once per “session”: as a rule, John is inclined to help me achieve that, oh, say, 6-10 times on average for a short session. and not just those little “mini” ones, either. the sounds that come out of me . . . primal is the only word. (and not just orally; i’ve barely scratched that surface for now. i’ll save the rest for later.)

he has awakened a force within my self that i always knew was there, but who was never fed properly, never nurtured, or allowed to bloom. call it my sexuality, call it my Id, call it my inner tigress, whatever, SHE is awake, and she is only just learning what it means to be awake. and the more sex we have, the more awake she gets.

i’ve never been a person afraid of my sexuality, afraid to admit that i’m pretty much in the mood all the time, but i have always had a reason (usually forced on me) to suppress that. with John, it’s out and SO proud! for the first time in my life, i don’t feel like i have to hide anything. for the first time, i’m with someone who can handle ALL of me, and who actually WANTS to hear it all, the good and the bad, the cranky and the sweet, the hardcore and the gentle. . . he’s amazing.

and, of all things, he loves ME.

not that i have this huge problem with my self-confidence, cuz i really don’t, but i’ve been around the block enough to know that i’m not the easiest person at times. thank god, he’s been around the block, too, and knows that whatever i throw at him, he can either handle or throw it back for me to handle.

so, what, do i love him?

more than anything anyone anywhere anyhow anytime.

and the best part is, i get to marry him.

i hope that everyone in the world gets to feel like this, even for a moment, cuz there’s nothing like it, and i wish it for everyone.

blessed be.

L