Body of Work

does anyone but me read this anymore?

2007-01-27T08:35:00.000-06:00

jeez. I won't apologize, but I'll hope someone reads this. I'm busy. that's that.

John stayed in the hospital a whole week. He walked from ICU up to his room, without the stairs, and walked every time the physical therapist came to see him. He impressed everyone with his quick recovery, and the truth is, impressed me, too.

it's been almost a year now since all of this happened. He's still here, but he hasn't been the angel with regard to lifestyle changes he thought he would be. :)

Turns out, that makes him perfectly normal. I read in a recent article that 9 out of 10 heart patients fail to follow their doctor's advice for diet changes and exercise needs. Good or bad, at least he's normal.

So we go on, day to day, trying to figure out a way for him to retire, or back off his work schedule, and still afford our lives! we had good holidays this past year, and New Year's Eve is always an auspicious time for us, so we made that extra lovely.

in short, we continue to love more than we thought possible.

now we just have to figure out the rest.

Blessed be,
L

how does the time go so quickly?

2006-05-31T19:10:00.000-05:00

The more I read posts on blogs or journals belonging to friends, the more I wish I had the time to devote to this that they do.

There are two in particular that I love to read, but they are both people who don't work outside their homes, so that actually helps them find the time. I am certain that if I could find a job not requiring 8+ hours away every day, I would write more.

I also think, they're willing to commit the time. I don't know whether I am, I just wish I could find a way to fit it all in.

so, on with the story.

John returned that Monday for the catheterization. I dropped him off and went to work, and basically fretted and was mostly worthless while I waited for word. He didn't call me until 4:15!! I practically ran to the car, have no real memory of getting to the hospital, and found my way to the heart area.

It was there he told me what was up. He said "how much do you want to know?"

I said, "Everything."

He said "I have to have bypass surgery."

No idea what happened next. I'm sure I cried a little out of shock, and I'm sure he said comforting things, etc. etc. etc. The next thing I remember was a couple of friends coming by to see how he was, and asking me how I was, and the only thing I could say was "I'm a wreck" and laugh nervously. He eventually got assigned a room, and sent me home to check on the cats and find us both some food for dinner. I called everyone I could think of in the short drive home, trying to stay focused on the road (but still have no real memory of the drive).

I got back, we ate, we discussed. He said they were going to try to work him in to the schedule for Tuesday, and if they couldn't, the surgery would be Wednesday morning.

At some point, I went home for the evening. We had discussed my staying there with him, but realized that if I was going to sleep at all, I would sleep better in my own bed.

Sleep was a long time coming. It's a little ridiculous, how much crap there is on after 10 pm.

Next day, I went to work and waited for him to call me to tell me the surgery was coming, and I should leave work then. The call never came; they didn't find room in the schedule. I went up after work, again left at some point to find food, went back up and stayed with him for as long as I could. We knew surgery prep would start early, so we figured what time I should be there.

My phone rang at 4:30 the next morning, it was John saying they had come for surgical prep much earlier than planned, and I should come as soon as I could.

So I did. And, as it turned out, they actually took him away a whopping 20 mintues sooner than they had said.

I don't know who's in charge of those things, but they need to get their shit together.

Letting go of his hand outside the surgical waiting room was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and a moment I'll not forget. I don't cry in front of strangers. Hell, I barely cry in front of John, even after all we've been thru. But there I was, tears streaming down my face in front of what felt like the whole world (and was, in reality, about 3 people), and *trying* to tell him I loved him, and all would be well, and I'd be there the whole time.

It was horrid, and I don't ever want to do it again.

Fortunately, though he struggles a bit with some of the lifestyle and diet changes since surgery, John doesn't want to ever do it again, either.

The hospital at which this all happened has the best staff I've ever seen. During surgeries, they have a chaplain who scrubs in to each room and checks on patients and progress, and then reports to the family members in the waiting room!! It helped *so* much for me, I can't begin to tell you. Eventually, my mom (who lives out of state) sent some friends to sit with me, and that helped a lot, too. I wasn't really thinking of myself at all, so when one of my friends on the phone asked me if I were alone waiting, I said "yeah, but it's okay. The whole world is calling me, I don't feel alone."

thank goodness Mom was thinking of me, too. sometimes they really do know best.

The surgery seemed to go very quickly. They let me in to see him in ICU almost right after, and I left there a bit shaken, but full of joy to just see him again, alive and breathing.

okay, have to go. don't really feel like crying, and am almost there.

blessed be,
L

As I grow, so this changes

2006-04-27T20:17:00.000-05:00

The whole idea of this blog was to get me to write.

The total lack of regular postings throws that out the window, but please, dear readers, rest assured it's not because I don't think about it. the hard part is, there are so many things I can think of that need doing right now (or at least, before i go to bed), all of which preclude sitting down at the computer and writing for any length of time.

but i'm going to try, because i actually like it, and because i *really* like to come back and find comments from others who read my stuff!

and i'm going to try because a lot has happened since my last post. a VERY lot. the short version is, John had (and is recovering from) quadruple bypass surgery in March.

go ahead, read it again. it bears repeating.

and no, it wasn't planned. it wasn't an emergency in the sense of "he had chest pains so we went to the hospital and they kept him for surgery that day", but it was unexpected.

and it still has quite a lot of intensity about it, enough that i'm sure i'll shed a tear or two before finishing this post. (which is why I've decided not to post the whole story at once.)

the last Saturday in February, I woke up around 5:30 because I could hear him in, well, I guess "distress" is the best word. i got up and came into the living room (he had fallen asleep there the night before) to see what was up. somehow, and i really don't remember how, he walked back to the bedroom with me, all the while trying to tell me what was up. he managed to speak enough to tell me that his chest hurt, but also his wrists hurt and were sore to the touch, and that was all i could get out of his communication.

for those of you totally unaware, John is 17 years older than I, and not in perfect shape. so the occassional shortness-of-breath chest pain wasn't out of our experience. and then there's the fact that I basically did not have a clue what was going on, and asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital, and he said he didn't know, either.

the oddness of the symptoms totally threw us both off, and as a result, we did nothing then.

that's me. first aid and rescue training from the Brownies on thru adulthood, and we did nothing.

(yeah, i admit, I've beaten myself up about this a little. the voice is hard to shut up sometimes.)

what he did do, once the pain had subsided, was look up his symptoms as he understood them, and try to figure out what to do next. He is and was uninsured (long story, but sucks), so we got him an appointment at the local free clinic(Thursday), and they sent him for some tests at the hospital the next week (another Thursday).

The main test was called a "myocardial perfusion", and it apparently sucked as far as John was concerned. Once the results were read by the cardiologist, they wanted to keep him that night for another test. John told me that part, but until the cardiologist talked to me, i didn't understand that they *really* wanted to keep him that night. They scheduled a cardiac catheterization for the next Monday, because that was as soon as John could commit to returning for the test without totally abandoning doing payroll for a company of almost 200 people to a new person who was mostly untrained.

that's all I can write for now. this is harder to relive than I thought it would be. take heart, if you're affected thus: he is back and getting better every day.

blessed be,
L

i am the queen

2006-02-14T15:23:00.000-06:00

of procrastination, that is. it took me coming home sick from work to find time to do this.

(and just how often does one have to blow one's nose before it stops, i ask you??)

nothing and everything have changed since the last post. married-yes, John working harder than ever-yes, and more in love than the day before-yes!

i topped, by myself, in November, with the same male sub John and i had topped together before. John was there, watching, and came away very proud of me, which felt really good. I was really proud of me, too!! and i actually sent him in to subspace, which he said was only the third time ever! i hope that wasn't just a fluke of beginner's luck, cuz *wow* that was some kind of intense. i just wish i could take a few more steps forward in the area. i know there's more than one person in our lifestyle group looking for a female to top them, so it's not as if i have no one from which to choose . . . it's weird. i so easily put that part of me on hold. i really have to talk to John about helping me get past that, cuz i won't do it alone very easily.

about a week or so ago, John was feeling rather sick, and i was trying and trying to get him to let me take care of him, and he said "i'm so used to treating you as my equal, i forget to be the Master sometimes."

it sticks in my head, because it completely sums us up. and i love it. :) we are so completely suited to each other, we want so many of the same things, that we consult each other on everything no matter what. big decisions are basically his, but he always asks me for my input, and really does think and consider it, especially if i really disagree.

i've never been so loved, i didn't know it was possible.

okay, now i feel like i'm babbling. Happy Valentine's Day to all who celebrate it, happy Tuesday to the rest. ;)

blessed be,
L

MROOOOW! It was four months!

2005-09-18T11:00:00.000-05:00

Oh my gosh. I can't believe it's gone by so quickly. I admit, we've been endlessly busy, John got promoted again (YAY!), but it doesn't make it any easier to post dut to an increased busy schedule.

Thanks to those who still read me, it means a lot to see your comments when I know how poor a correspondent I'm being. I'm supposed to be getting my own computer again soon (mine doesn't work very well lately, so am using his for all my stuff when he's not on it working), so that will help.

and the big news is: WE GOT MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am the absolute happiest bride/new wife in the world, let me tell you!! The wedding day was so far beyond perfect, there just aren't words. and we spent two nights in the most amazing luxury hotel afterward, most of the time spent in bed ;) and some of the time spent in the jacuzzi that was in the suite with us. :) only two nights because of course John had to work the week after, but it still meant time off, and him relaxed, and that's worth everything.

and since I've posted, we've done a little bit of traveling, and had some house guests, and all kinds of great dinners out . . . and we just fall in love a little more every day, too. I have changed so very much from the woman who first started this blog, but the best part is that the real me is what's coming out, and he loves her, and I love her, and gosh I missed her! the years I spent before meeting John put me in a place I never want to be again, and since I've married the man who accepts all of me, and gives me exactly what I need to be the real me, I won't have to go there.:)

so life is, well, perfect, except that we both still have to work and therefore can't spend every waking moment together. but hell, that's something we'll just have to deal with, though I don't think I'll ever truly get used to it. returning to the real world after a weekend with him is so hard . . .

gosh. is it possible to be more in love now than I was five minutes ago??? damn I love him.

and I, the bride, was resplendent in purple, and it was perfect. :)

sending love and all the blessings to everyone,
L

i swear, we're not dead

2005-05-05T06:54:00.000-05:00

Just in case any of our friends are still wondering, John and I are not, in fact, dead or anything. He's been promoted twice since January, which is great, but which means 60 hour weeks, at least for now. this means our life is, well, busier than ever before.

and oh yeah, i'm busier than i'd like, too, though thankfully not on overtime very often.

OY!

but we're approaching our anniversary of the day we met, and celebration is in the air!

I hope all are well, and perhaps it won't be 4 months til next post? i can hope.

blessed be,
L

me on top!!

2005-01-09T18:34:00.000-06:00

wow. i’m a . . . switch!

it’s official, now, is what i mean. John and I were asked by a new friend to scene with him at our monthly play party, with us both topping, and i did it!! as it turned out, John let me do 95% of it, with him guiding, assisting, and observing. the bottom is male, and very inexperienced as far as play (his assessment), but was wanting to play with us, so we talked and negotiated and discussed, and in the end it was a clear YES from both of us. :)

we used the cross at the party, strung him up, and started, with the intention of the scene being very light, both because he hasn’t played much, and because it was my first time really topping someone.

and can i just say right now . . . i felt FABULOUS afterward. and i felt like i have a hell of a lot to learn, which isn’t a bad thing, but is a little daunting.

the bottom said he really enjoyed it, there were none of the many implements that were used on him that he hated, though the wooden spoon came close (which i totally understand, it’s pretty intense). he did not seem to go very deep, which is good, again because i am such a novice. John worked a little with the floggers, and i found myself fondest of the various slapping devices, because at this point i felt i had the most control with them, and could deliver good contacts with them without fear of wraparound or wild hits in general. but, i also used a couple of floggers, and i can see how they will be favorites soon.

i also used a wartenburg wheel, curry combs, a metal-toothed comb, and i started with these really awesome simple garden gloves that have rubber nibs all over them that do a superb job of bringing the sensation level up slowly but surely. the bottom said, “those are really interesting” about ten times, so i think he liked them the best. i also clothespinned his nipples, as he had said he can take quite a lot on his nipples; by the bodily reaction, i think he liked that pretty well, too. :)

in light of my high feeling, John suggested we not play ourselves that evening, which made sense to me as well (even though i always want to play), so we simply made sure the bottom was okay (with the glow in his cheeks, i surely think he was), and sat around and talked about the scene some more with him, and socialized some more with our party group.

by the time we decided to leave, i was still feeling very glowy myself, but could definitely feel the beginning of a return to normal, so the timing was good.

and when we got home, John said “what do you want to do now?” i said “play”, and then said “even though i know you’re maybe not in full form” or something to that effect, as it was pretty late by then, but he said even if he couldn’t manage a full-fledged scene, he was more than willing to treat me to a spanking. and this was after he told me how proud he was of my performance with the bottom, which i think meant more than any of the feelings i was having myself.

and wow do i love it when he spanks me. he has the most intense ability with his hands . . . mmmmm.

yummy.

so all in all, this has been a pretty darned fabulous weekend. he woke me this morning with more spankings, and darn if my behind isn’t a little stingy just thinking about it!! :)

happy sunday, all, and blessed be.

L.

HAPPY FREAKING NEW YEAR!

2005-01-01T16:42:00.000-06:00

fireworks!

they actually shot off fireworks at midnight, just a few short blocks from our front door, and it was AMAZING.

the evening was already special. we had spent the whole day together, gathering special foods for new year’s day (he has this thing with black eyed peas, and i had to have herring), getting the champagne, and of course a little vodka for the breakfast bloody marys (which, actually, we didn’t do, but hey – they’re good for supper, too). in our personal histories, new year’s eve 2003 was auspicious because we both had events happen that we feel put us in line to meet when we did, so we had talked of that some, and just reveled in the complete and total love we feel for each other, and how utterly amazing it is to us that anyone could be this happy.

we were watching a movie, and suddenly realized it was 11:55, so we paused it, opened the champagne, and watched the clock . . . then linked arms and sipped from the flutes, just about as perfectly romantic a moment as one could imagine. and then suddenly, BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! we stepped out on to the porch to see what was up, and in the western sky there were fireworks! they were so close we could feel the concussive boom as they exploded, and they were SO beautiful. the nite was incredibly warm, at least 55 gorgeous degrees, and we stood on the porch and held hands and just kinda felt like the fireworks were just for us.

and if not for the cheering we heard all around us, they might have been. but i’m glad that others could enjoy them, too, cuz they were SO great.

this year has been pretty damned incredible, and i just want to say once again how thankful i am for John. we had a lovely and peaceful Yule, and i was apparently a VERY good girl, as he showered me with gifts as well as love. i did my part for him, too, and we spent the day just enjoying not getting dressed or going anywhere (much like today!), and talking to family (mine are some distance away) and long-distance friends on the phone to share the joy.

this morning, i realized that now that the holiday season is over, it’s actually going to sort of get normal around here. this is good, mostly, especially because it means some regular posting from my corner. it’s been crazy lately, and John’s work schedule has been rather odd, but i realized today that instead of feeling restless while waiting for him to come home, i could actually use some of those hours much more productively than cleaning or watching tv. as in, i could POST!! wow, what an idea.

so, the weekly posts should actually become weekly again, and i hope that as i continue to share our lives with y’all, you will continue to find the bits interesting, and continue to offer me perspectives that i haven’t considered when the big stuff comes around, too.

i thank the entire pantheon for this life, the rewards already reaped, and the ones to come from now on. most especially, i thank them for bringing John into my life, and for the fireworks that i see every day i’m with him.

many blessings to you all, and wishes for a most peaceful new year.

blessed be,
L

i did it! i did it!

2004-12-12T11:37:00.000-06:00

okay, so i did it. i swatted my first behind.

John and I have talked a lot about my switch tendencies, and finding ways to explore them. i’ve known for a while that i’ve wanted to try it, have in fact seen lots of people i’d like to take a paddle to (both seriously and not), but haven’t had the opportunity to do anything . . . until last night.

our group’s holiday party was last nite, and we did a gift exchange in which one picked a “task” from a bowl of options, decided whether one wanted to perform it or be performed on, and then picked a gift. one of the members picked “experience 15 swats with a paddle”, and said “I think i’d like you to do it, if you like.” i said “I’d be honored,” and i picked out a sweet little leather slapper that i happen to love to have used on me, and that felt right in my hand for my first time. i had him bend over a chair, and swung away! he counted, i swung, and we both had a lovely little moment.

i have to say, it was FANTASTIC for me. as it turns out, he isn’t much into pain in general, having not explored much of that side of his submission, so for him to have asked is doubly cool. knowing that, i felt i picked the instrument well, as it can be very gentle, and i also used a fairly light touch, since it was my first time, which i think helped him along as well. but the feeling of him giving up that little bit of control to me, of exchanging that little bit of power with me, was pretty damned fabulous.

and i can honestly say, i want some more.

the party in general was a lovely time. John and i didn’t have a full scene, but i picked “experience breast flogging”, and he was more than happy to oblige, knowing as he does that i do happen to love that a lot. there was also a waxing demo, which was pretty damned cool. the top used red and green and purple and white candles, and by the time he was finished, the design on the bottom’s chest was just . . .lovely. and she obviously enjoyed herself thoroughly! it was a great evening, even if John and i were both pretty darned exhausted by the end, just from the culmination of a pretty long week.

so i hope to explore this side of myself some more, very soon. there’s a possibility of others willing to be my bottoms, and now that i’ve done it once, i am more than ready to actively pursue some real time experience.

hoo-ray, and merry darned yule, everyone. i feel fantastic!

blessed be,
L

mentoring

2004-11-30T18:23:00.000-06:00

John has just recently posted about this, but i've decided to write mine before i read his, because this has been bouncing around my head a lot lately, and hopefully will be as interesting as i think it is to the rest of the world.

there's a new couple that has recently joined our local group, in search of new ways to bring more intimacy into their lives, and in search of new levels to themselves. they're warm, engaging, and genuinely interested in learning. they have struggled with the vast ocean of info on BDSM out there, so we have gladly allowed them to ask all the questions of us they wish, and have tried to answer as completely as possible.

the most important thing we've been trying to communicate to them is that this lifestyle is what you make it, and that what works for some will not necessarily work for others. we've made it as clear as we can that if they only want one aspect of the lifestyle in their lives (be it discipline, be it flogging, be it domestic service), that's okay. what's important is they make it work for them, take what they can use, and not worry about the rest.

at the same time, we've done our best to show them as many aspects of it as we can, either personally or through other members of our group, as well as referring them to several other weblogs besides ours.

as we all know, the lifestyle is hugely varied and rich, and not everyone is into the same things, and i think that's what makes it so amazing. as John and i do our best to find what works for us within the realm of BDSM, this process of helping another couple along has helped me answer questions of myself and of our relationship that i didn't realize i didn't have ready answers to.

at one point, they asked what it is that makes me want to take off my clothes and be flogged, and to even do it in front of others. this wasn't something i'd ever seriously thought about before, and i realized right away that i don't actually know the full reason myself, only that i am certain it is something i want and need. i talked about my exhibitionist streak, and i talked about the reward of the natural high from the pain/endorphins relationship, and the complete and beautiful trust it takes for me to be able to do it, and how that trust is not only in John, but in the group to which we belong as well.

it was quite a revelation to myself, and i imagine it gave them even more to think about.

so that's all for now, but i'm sure we both will have more to say as the mentoring continues.

blessed be,
L

communication will save you

2004-11-21T17:25:00.000-06:00

i don’t actually have any idea whether this will end up in a post, but i have to get this out.

last nite, this morning, whatever you want to call 3 am, it became clearer to me than ever before that communication is more important than anything else in this relationship. of course, the hope is that communication will be paramount to any relationship, but when the goal is total trust and complete submission, communication is quite a bit more of a requirement. i have to know that he understands what i need, and i have to understand what he needs. i have to know what he wants, what he intends, and what his plans are for the future.

and i have to know (read: remember) that if i make an assumption, it could in fact be wrong.

John and i have recently come to the conclusion that there isn’t anything on this earth that he would ask me to do that i wouldn’t do. the flipside to that is, he wouldn’t ask me to do anything i wouldn’t want to do, or wouldn’t be willing to at least try. so every time we go into any sort of scene-mode, whether strictly sex, play, or just him reminding me that he is in fact the top here, we both know that we can go into it with no reservations.

all except for the part where i freak out and make a sweeping assumption totally unfounded in reality.

first, let me say that yesterday was a pretty intense day. we worked our asses off all day cooking for our monthly lifestyle group party, then we actually played at the party in front of some new people, and the week previous for both of us had been pretty stressful. so the culmination within the scene was, well, intense. i fell hard and fast into subspace, and lasted longer on the cross than either of us thought i would, but when i was done, and my body started to sag, i was DONE. and i think he was as well, frankly. he had definitely done more of the kitchen work than i had yesterday, so was already more physically tired than i when we got to the party. so even though i came out of subspace fairly well and quickly, he was feeling all of his emotions and exhaustion post-scene as well, and we both needed more aftercare, i think, than we realized.

on the way home, he said “i think i’m actually having Dom-drop, which i’ve only really read about.” and i made a point to offer that if there was anything i could do in addition to pouring him some wine when we got home, to please say so. my abilities in aftercare of him are limited at best, due to my intense journey into and out of subspace, so once i’ve recovered, i really try to do more for him, but am definitely not always successful. last nite, i really wanted to be successful, both to thank him, and because it’s important to me.

we settled in, he with his wine, i with my water, and watched some tv just to unwind a bit. then around 2 we headed for the bedroom. we were sleepy, but the usual post-scene-sex i always craved couldn’t happen at the party, so we both had that on our minds as well.

we did some of that, at first. it was lovely and intense, and aside from being wonderfully pleasurable, it served to further tire both of us. but once a few moments of rest happened, he started playing with my nether regions again, this time with his most capable hands, and i, not being one to ignore these times, gladly accepted.

then at one moment, he was using “the Voice” on me, telling me to ask for it, telling me to in fact ask permission to orgasm at that moment, and for whatever reason, it threw me. and i say “for whatever reason”, because we have often experimented with words and phrases, and often tried new things to say at those important moments. and John is pretty sure we’ve actually used that particular phrase before (or something really similar), but i didn’t remember it, and for some reason, instead of seeing it as it was intended, i (and here’s the huge sweeping assumption) took it to mean that “from now on, i would have to ask permission to orgasm”.

stupid. and utterly ridiculous.

so when i stopped, and said “i don’t think i’m ready for that”, it in turn threw him for a loop, and most decidedly caused a hurt that i can only imagine, and can’t really stand that i caused.

once we had come out of the sexual euphoria that had hold of us, it was around 3 am, and instead of falling asleep next to me from blissful exhaustion (because at that point i was not aware of the hurt i had caused), he surprised me by getting up and getting dressed again.

okay, so here i go from total euphoric sleepiness to complete shock, and a HUGE desire to know why the heck he wasn’t laying down to sleep next to me. he said “it’s not anything to bother with at 3 am, you need to rest”, and because i do in fact have a pretty darn good ability to read him, i knew it was a big deal no matter what he said, and i said “well, that’s not actually going to help me sleep.”

thankfully, he stayed long enough to share what he was feeling, with not too much prodding from me. and that was when i realized what a sweeping assumption i had made, and how utterly ridiculous it was, and how i just need to remember that i have a LOT to learn.

does it make any sense that instead of accepting the phrase “Master may I come?” within the moment as it was intended, and as similar phrases have often been used with us before, i unnaturally assumed that he was proposing a sweeping change?

go ahead, say it with me: NOPE.

and i still have no reason to say why i did take it that way. even now, it makes no sense to me, and we’ve actually talked it out and both feel better (at least i’m pretty sure we both do) now.

maybe it was the long day. maybe it was the importance of some of the personal discussions we’ve been having lately. maybe it was all of it combined with stress and 3 am that caused it. i wish i knew, cuz dammit i don’t want to repeat it ever.

EVER.

i get that i will screw up. i get that these things sometimes happen. i get that lots of stumbling blocks are going to be thrown in my and our path.

but the only way to learn from my mistakes is to figure what caused them, so i can watch for it next time. and i just don’t know why the fuck this happened.

the good news is, like i said, we did finally talk today, after some sleep. i am sure that one or two things will come up again as discussion, especially given the kind of hurt i so completely unwittingly caused. but the harmony is slowly replacing the discord of the nite, and i at least feel more like we are communicating well again.

wow. who knew being in love could be this difficult?

i think Nicholas Cage said it best: “Love don’t make things nice. It ruins EVERYTHING.”

blessed be,
L

mixed messages

2004-11-15T18:47:00.000-06:00

okay. i was going to get on here and check for new comments/new possible ideas for posting before starting this, but the website is apparently down for a bit, and since i really want to write before i go to bed, i’ll have to try this.

problem is, i really am not sure what to write about now.

i guess the easiest subject would be punishment, since John and I have been discussing it some lately, and have found, once again, that we totally agree on the subject. we are both of the mind that punishment for us should not involve anything resembling our regular play. he assures me (and i have no doubt) that he could deliver a spanking that i would not mistake for play, but the problem for him and i is the mixed message this could produce. as in, even if i would know it was a punishment spanking, how is that good? since i crave the release and the endorphins from the kind of pain he delivers when we are scening, why would we want to take that and make it part of a bad thing?

and another part is, we are both in agreement that we’re not really able to imagine a moment where i would need to be punished. yes, it is within the realm of possibility, since i do happen to be human (no matter what he thinks at those particularly magical moments), but we have such an amazing communication that if i didn’t want to do something he asked, all i would have to do is say so, and we’d talk about it. there is no need for me to resist, to be willful at the wrong moments. there has been no need for us to not talk about things that either of us doesn’t like. some conversations are more difficult than others, but they’re still conversations. they’re not fights, and they’re not times when he says something like “do what i tell you, dammit” and i say “NO!”

frankly, if that happened, it would mean we were both WAY out of whack, and that would just be an entirely different problem.

but the point is, i don’t get the parts in other d/s relationships where the punishment involves rougher sex, harder spankings, or anything of the sort.

as John has said to me more than once, “Bad girls don’t GET spanked.” this is far more effective for us than any of the other things we’ve seen from other blogs, and is another part of why we work so well together.

and as we also said the other night when we first started discussing this, he and i both know that if i truly displeased him, the punishment my own head would bring in the form of mental self-flagellation would be far far worse than anything of which he would think.

so again, this is all about finding what works within our relationship, right? and i am thankful to all the other blogs i’ve been reading lately, for helping me (and i imagine others) think about things i wouldn’t normally think about, and to help me figure what doesn’t work for me as much as what does.

that’s all for now.

blessed be,

L

the power in the word

2004-11-09T21:36:00.000-06:00

okay, was reading danae’s recent posts, and hit on the one about titles and honorifics, and thankfully it gave me an idea for my post, since i am technically behind in my once-a-week commitment.

titles and honorifics have always been difficult for me, no matter the situation, real life or lifestyle related. for example, the word “Sir” just does not come out of my mouth without a conscious effort, except on rare, not-thinking-about-it moments. (this has caused members of my volunteer organization no end of annoyance, since some of them outrank me.) i don’t honestly know whether i have blocked out the ability to use the word, whether i just project myself as an equal in all situations and therefore think i don’t have to say it, or if i just choose to assume that they know i’m respecting them so why should i add that extra word to my sentence?

and the word “ma’am” is almost as difficult. i HATE it when ppl call me that, no matter how old or young i’m looking that day, so i tend not to use it when referring to others. living where i do, it is used much more often, and is 99% of the time meant respectfully, but i still don’t like it.

and i know that words only have the power i give them, which makes me wonder even more why some of them are so difficult to get out of my mouth.

so with regard to the lifestyle, it’s a DARN good thing John doesn’t expect me to call him anything other than John, in general. :)

now, don’t get me wrong: he would LOVE to have me call him Master all the time. or at least, more of the time than i do. but the good news is, he knows that it doesn’t come easily for me, no matter how i feel, and that makes the moments when i do say it that much more precious.

and it is getting easier. the best part is knowing that what that word means to us is all that matters, which helps.

one of the things i’m learning is that while the honorifics don’t come easy, the more i use them and think about them, the more i like them. so while i may not call everyone who deserves it “Sir” or “Ma’am” in the vanilla world at all the appropriate moments, it is getting easier to remember to use them within the lifestyle. the good thing about the group to which we belong is that there are not general group protocol requirements. if a couple has their own, they observe them at meetings and such, but the rules are not imposed generally, which i think is pretty cool. it gives everyone a chance to learn what is right for them, to learn what parts of the lifestyle they like and want more of, and the parts they don’t want in their personal version of the lifestyle. i can see and hear others using words or play styles with which i’m not familiar, and decide if i want to know more about it myself. this has been a pretty useful opportunity.

and now my train of thought has traveled to another subject, that of the rituals various styles observe, and i think that will be at least part of my next post.

blessed be,
L

working it out as i go

2004-10-29T22:24:00.000-05:00

when John and i first started dating, email was a very primary connection for us. he would send me sweet notes, or hellos, or most often, links to things he found that he thought i would like to read. (he was usually right.) his experience in the lifestyle had started online, so he already had a wealth of marked sites and weblogs and other such things saved, and could get to the good stuff more easily than i.

what i found, and find still, is that more often than not, what posts he sends me to read give me a very mixed reaction. it doesn’t seem to matter whether dominant or submissive has written, but that i walk away feeling, well, mixed. whether a real-life account of a scene, or just musing, or a fantasy written out, i can never seem to just accept it and enjoy it. this confuses John a bit, i think; it certainly has made him feel as if he shouldn’t have sent that particular thing to me, which is not actually true.

the truth is, there are simply tons of things that other couples in the lifestyle do or say or partake in, for which i am just not ready. and some things for which i will never be ready.

but what i don’t get is why it affects me so much to read about those things. it’s not as if i think John has sent me a story of, say, a Dom and Sub scening in a public restroom in order to tell me he’d like to do that the next day (though i admit, at the very beginning, not being sure of that. thank goodness i asked!). he knows i’m not ready for anything that huge (not to mention illegal), and i know he would never push my boundaries in such a way that would simply be too far. i think the difficulty for me is that i start to identify with the ppl in the story, especially the love-based ones, and i think the story is headed for a familiar place, and it does go there, but then it takes what feels like 100 steps beyond what’s familiar, and all of a sudden i’m freaked.

i know that my limits will change; hell, they’ve changed already, so much so that i confuse myself pretty often (see earlier post). but there are so many things within submission that i don’t want. there are terms doms and subs alike use in their descriptions of activities, or of themselves, that i don’t like, don’t agree with, or just plain don’t understand. maybe it’s because they are all words on a screen, but phrases like “i fucked her mouth” seem so damned disrespectful that i can’t get past them. i know i have John’s respect, and that’s a big part of my trust in him. i know that even as he pushes my limits, he will still listen to me, he will still help me to understand when i don’t, and most importantly, he will hear me when i say “stop” and mean it.

and i do completely understand that every relationship is different, in or out of the lifestyle. i even know that the way we define terms is probably completely different from anyone else’s definition. so some part of me knows that when i am reading how he “fucked her mouth”, even as my head reels against it, that may not be as disrespectful within their relationship as it seems to me.

but it still bothers me, as do other things.

maybe some of the bother comes from the posts being so intense, where i’ll be happily reading along, really enjoying what i’m reading, getting ideas or getting turned on or whatever, and then WHAM! all that intensity is balled up into that moment of “i don’t like that at all!!” in other words, if i didn’t like the rest of the post so well, the part i don’t like wouldn’t affect me so much.

and for sure some of it is fear: of the unknown, of myself, of what John may want in the future that i just can’t imagine right now, of some of my more conservative friends and family ever finding out about this part of my life.

but i think also that some of that fear is that there could ever be a part of me that does want to be . . . THAT submissive. and i can’t give specific examples, because frankly i don’t feel like discussing my hard or soft limits with the world right now, but i do know that i don’t want to lose my sense of self within this. i feel that in John, i have found a guide and master who will take me down the path in such a way that i won’t lose my self, but realistically, there’s a chance something will get screwed up along that path, right?

right?

yeah, i know: not so much, as long as we step carefully, and talk all the time at every step, and just be careful.

but i guess i’m cynical enough, even after he’s thawed my insides out, to know that the world isn’t actually wired for dreamers all the time. sometimes, you do still get bitten, and not in the Good Way.

and i know that from the outside, our relationship may even seem odd to others in the lifestyle as they observe us. and none of that matters to me, really. as long as we both feel respected and loved, the rest of the world can either accept it, ignore it, or ask questions if they really want to know.

but when i feel as if the person writing, whether top or bottom, is without respect, or without a sense of self-respect, that i think is what becomes difficult. because while i am John’s submissive, i am not his slave, and really don’t want to be such in any of the ways i’ve read about or seen so far. since definitions are ours to make, that may change, but again, it will be our definition, and it will be what works for us.

i’m sorry. i just re-read that paragraph, and there are too many ideas there to make sense.

let’s start with that first sentence: but when i feel as if the person writing, whether top or bottom, is without respect, or without a sense of self-respect, that i think is what becomes difficult. it’s not just the master/slave dynamic that i have trouble reading posts from, but that is one that usually hits me the hardest, because that seems to be where terms are used or ideas are presented that fly in the face of all i’ve been taught. and because my relationship is so different-seeming from what i see in those posts, it’s REALLY difficult to understand how either of those ppl can be truly happy. and i know i can’t see their whole lives, or whole relationships, outside of the weblog reality, so i have to remember: when i think that what’s been said or done is wrong, it’s not actually my problem. this does help.

okay, now that other bit: because while i am John’s submissive, i am not his slave, and really don’t want to be such in any of the ways i’ve read about or seen so far. since definitions are ours to make, that may change, but again, it will be our definition, and it will be what works for us. which goes back to the above, and how i can’t know what their lives are like outside that post or weblog. but i guess, if i were going to post exclusively about my lifestyle-related time, i’d put it all in there, not just the titillating bits. and perhaps this is done more than i realize, since i don’t spend the kind of time reading weblogs that i’d like to, but . . .

yeah. i don’t know, is it just me trying to push my values on to the others? the more i write, the more i wonder.

the point is, i have a lot to learn, and i know that. frankly, i’m just thankful for the opportunity, and i hope that now that i’ve worked some of this out, in the future, i can read those posts and enjoy them more, rather than having that nagging “that’s not right!” feeling.

know what i mean?

that’s all for now, except for wishing everyone a blessed Samhain.

L

outer/inner world confusion

2004-10-21T20:36:00.000-05:00

my outer world is normal. every day, i get up, drink coffee, watch a little Buffy, and get ready for work. lately, John and I have been sharing my more-reliable car, so there’s a slight rush to leave, but we’ve pretty much got the routine down. i work my tail off every day at my job, and i come home with John and eat a good meal one of us has cooked (usually him, he’s SO good in the kitchen), then digest in front of the tv a short while. sometimes we take a walk, sometimes we don’t, and there always seems to be a phone call that needs to be made in the evening. in general, pretty normal.

within that normalcy is my relationship with John. I am not only his fiancé, i am also his submissive. we do not live the lifestyle 24/7, i don’t come home and put my collar on instantaneously, nor do i sit at his feet while he makes dinner. but we do have a very strong lifestyle relationship that is pretty well integrated into our dynamic and our daily lives. he moves me in to new territory a little at a time, and sometimes i have to be nudged more than others, and when i’m ready for something to move more quickly, i tell him so that he knows. i try my best to be good for him, and no matter what he suggests, i tell him honestly how i feel about it, whether i think i’m ready, and whether i’m interested in that particular aspect of fetish at all. the truth is, now that i’ve found him and realized that he is the person for whom i’ve been searching all my life, i find myself wanting to move faster than i ever thought i would, and i find myself willing to try many more things than i thought i would be. some of them i’ve liked, some of them i’ve been pretty indifferent to, but i like a lot more things/ideas than not. every new toy he’s brought home has been fun. every new style of play has been amazing and something i’m more than willing to do again.

this feeling of wanting to do it all, and do it often, wrt play, has caused quite a stir in my inner world, especially the parts where i’m so completely submissive to him. i’m your typical college-educated career woman: strong, intelligent, used to being on top of things, used to being in control of my world. this is actually why submission is so attractive to me, but it’s not as if it’s an easy thing to give up that control to anyone. so when i get in that particular head space we call “subspace”, and i know that he is the only person that can put me there, and i know that i can actually stay there a while and not worry about my outer world at all, that’s pretty damned special. but it means that my head gets a little confused when i return to “normal”, or normal for me.

it’s because of this that there have already been a thousand moments, and there will be a thousand more, when i look in the mirror and don’t recognize who is there. i keep expecting the changes in my being to show up on my face somehow, to show at least in my eyes, if not some other way. (a wart, perhaps?) and when i think of myself, sometimes i don’t even recognize the thoughts in my head, causing even more of a disconnected feeling than the mirror moments. i keep asking him “who am i?”, and he just answers “you’re my angel.”

he’s right, of course, but he’s as much an angel for me as i am for him, precisely because my whole life, my whole self, is changed, and changes more every day.

he says that when i look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself, it’s because so much has changed inside that i expect it to show outside, and when it doesn’t, there’s the confusion. i’m glad he could articulate it, cuz i was at a loss. my life has changed on every level, not just wrt to d/s, so it’s not as if it’s only the submission blossoming that has me confused. for the first time in my personal history, i am acutely aware that my biological clock is ticking, and that i actually WANT a baby. i am old enough that my mother had pretty much given up hope of grandchildren from me, so that gives you some idea of the revelation that has been. and i’ve finally found a man i want to marry and build a life with, which was the first step to all of this, but is in itself pretty huge. after all i’ve been thru, to be able to trust anyone enough to really share my heart with them is pretty amazing to me. that’s really more of a testimony to his soul than to mine, but it means once more that i am not the same person who looks at me from the mirror.

i imagine i’ll get used to it, at some point. so far, it’s been a little shocking every time. i keep expecting it to make more sense as i go, and perhaps it will. for now, i guess i’ll settle for being able to talk to John about it, and hope he can give me insight when i can’t find it on my own.

and i give thanks to all the gods of every dimension for sending him to me.

blessed be,
L

more in love today than yesterday

2004-10-05T20:02:00.000-05:00

this man. this man. this man has changed my life, i swear.

now, don’t get me wrong, i am my own person. i think, i walk, i talk, i have a college degree, all of which i got on my own (with a little help from my friends along the way). and, i’ve actually been in love before.

but, i swear, not like this. not anything like this.

you know that moment when you’ll just be sitting somewhere, and it just hits you that you get to go see that person you love in a little while, and that wave of joy rolls over you?

multiply that by about a billion, and then imagine that every moment of every day.

that’s how it is.

the fact that i’m sitting here writing about it instead of kissing him is only because he’s so amazing: he encourages me to take the time to write at all, and i actually DO it. i might even get into my book again soon because of him. writing it, that is, not reading; i read at least 3 books at a time anyway, even with him in my life.

but that’s not all he’s done.

he has taken my ice-cold, solidly frozen heart and absolutely melted away every last bit of fear, of hurt, of pain. he has brought a level of joy to my days of which i had only dreamed. and yes, i do sound like a movie, or a hopeless romantic, but that’s what i am, and it’s because of him.

and the cynically sarcastic side of me still exists, because i do actually live in THIS world of tragically comic happenings, but most of the time, i just float. our world together is so not the normal world. when i get home at nite, unless there’s some reason we can’t just go home and be together, it’s all about us. i take the time to call friends; he takes the time to do his things, of course. but we do them together, in our shared household, and every moment we can, we talk or kiss or hug or just communicate with ‘i love yous’. and when the outside stuff is done, when dinner is finished and the dishes mostly cleaned, the air changes a little, and we both know it’s our time completely.

and i feel sorry for anyone who doesn’t understand at least a little, cuz it’s so hard to explain. after a weekend together of even the most mundane things (laundry, errands, etc.), going back to work on monday is EXCRUCIATING. stepping back in to what everyone else perceives as normal has become the hardest thing either of us has to do. especially if there’s been the usual amount of sex for the weekend, which is a LOT; then it’s even worse. sometimes, the thought of leaving that bed for any reason just seems sacrilegious.

so, most of the time, we just don’t.

i swear, the man has talents most ppl only dream of. i certainly dreamed of them, but until i met him, didn’t even really know of what i was dreaming. first, there’s the kissing. then, there are the extremely talented massage techniques. add to that his skills at oral sex.

oh, i could go on for days about that. for instance, the fact that until this moment in my life, no one who had ever done that for me/to me/whatever had ever gotten me to orgasm more than once per “session”: as a rule, John is inclined to help me achieve that, oh, say, 6-10 times on average for a short session. and not just those little “mini” ones, either. the sounds that come out of me . . . primal is the only word. (and not just orally; i’ve barely scratched that surface for now. i’ll save the rest for later.)

he has awakened a force within my self that i always knew was there, but who was never fed properly, never nurtured, or allowed to bloom. call it my sexuality, call it my Id, call it my inner tigress, whatever, SHE is awake, and she is only just learning what it means to be awake. and the more sex we have, the more awake she gets.

i’ve never been a person afraid of my sexuality, afraid to admit that i’m pretty much in the mood all the time, but i have always had a reason (usually forced on me) to suppress that. with John, it’s out and SO proud! for the first time in my life, i don’t feel like i have to hide anything. for the first time, i’m with someone who can handle ALL of me, and who actually WANTS to hear it all, the good and the bad, the cranky and the sweet, the hardcore and the gentle. . . he’s amazing.

and, of all things, he loves ME.

not that i have this huge problem with my self-confidence, cuz i really don’t, but i’ve been around the block enough to know that i’m not the easiest person at times. thank god, he’s been around the block, too, and knows that whatever i throw at him, he can either handle or throw it back for me to handle.

so, what, do i love him?

more than anything anyone anywhere anyhow anytime.

and the best part is, i get to marry him.

i hope that everyone in the world gets to feel like this, even for a moment, cuz there’s nothing like it, and i wish it for everyone.

blessed be.

L

chaos theory

2004-09-28T20:27:00.000-05:00

so my darling John is under the impression that writing is good for me. he’s right, of course, but that doesn’t change the fact that actually sitting down to write isn’t easy for me.

so this new space is our idea, borne of his good experiences, to help me make an attempt at regular writing, and to get some of my own ideas out of my head and into the world. i hope to be here regularly, even if life tends to give me all sorts of reasons to not write; committing to a space will hopefully help that a bit as well.

he is also of the mind that some of what i have to say is something someone besides his wonderful and brilliant mind might actually be interested in hearing, which i hope is true, but those little voices sometimes disagree.

my life is pretty crazy, and i keep thinking time is going to slow a bit, even a little bit, but so far that seems to be a total pipe dream. i was having a conversation with a friend the other week about the phenomenon of time going faster, and said “i know i can’t expect it to actually slow down, but does anything ever begin to return to routine at least?” he agreed this would be nice, and shared that no, it probably doesn’t.

sometimes a little more routine would be so comforting. that way, when i plan things, the daily life stuff that needs to get done would still get done! laundry and dishes, for example. John and I have managed to establish that at the end of our work days there will be an evening meal, but that’s about all we can stick to as far as routine. part of it is that my (and frankly, his) outer world has been pretty chaotic lately, and part of it is that we have so much to do to organize our newly-shared living space, but the fact is, when the little stuff gets lost in the shuffle, not much of the big stuff gets done, either. we get home, we manage to cook (correction, the chef John manages to cook) a good meal, but then . . . sometimes the dishes get worked on, sometimes not. and it doesn’t bother me in the least to leave them a day or two, but much more than that and there’s no workspace for the next meal in our incredibly tiny kitchen. we keep saying we’d like it to work better, but neither of us can come up with an easy solution that doesn’t seem to mean an endless stream of dishes at the end of every day. :/

the good news is, most of the time we spend, when we “should” be unpacking or organizing, is generally spent kissing. :) or, you know, other things related to kissing . . . so by no means a waste of time. the more time we spend in the bedroom the better (in both our minds), but it does mean that some things get put off.

like me writing, for example.

but the truth is, we’re both so hot for each other that mostly we just don’t care. :)

and there are plenty of moments when we’re in the bedroom when i think of things i’d like to write, so i try to remember them (since writing them down for later is generally not an option), but sometimes my recall lacks. especially the times when my mind is in a particular state, and the only way to remember the tidbit is to be in that same state of mind . . . which is only achieved in the throes of quite a lot of passion . . . again, not a time for writing things down.

passion. now there’s a word i thought i understood. before John, i thought i knew what passion was, what it meant to have it, what it meant to feel it and want more of it.

boys and girls, i didn’t have a clue, as it turns out. and i mean that in a good way. :)

John has brought a level of passion, love, and joy to my life that i cannot begin to touch on with words. i could write for days about how much i love him, how much i want him, how amazing he has made my world, and not one sentence of it would even begin to actually tell you what it’s like. but i’ll try, if you like. think “the Princess Bride”. or “the Fifth Element”. or “Shakespeare in Love”. if any of those movies move you, and make you want that kind of love in your life, then you are capable of understanding what my life is like now. it is absolutely a new world, and it’s brighter and fresher every day with him. i swear it.

if, on the other hand, none of those movies, or ones like them, do anything to move you, well, then, good luck, but not much of my emotional communication is going to make much sense. :) either way, i’ll have fun writing about it, and trying to tell the world that it IS possible to feel like those movies every day, that it IS possible to be *that* in love with someone.

it’s not very easy for me to share the really deep stuff, so sometimes i’ll start a sentence one way and suddenly trail off into a whole other direction. that’s just my defense mechanism manifesting thru the keyboard, so don’t think it’s you who’s wondering “what? what does that mean? i thought she was going to say this . . .” (sometimes when i write, and then go back to read it, i say the same thing in my head!) the point is, writing in this space is about me getting stuff out of my head, hopefully with some benefit to others, but mostly to benefit me.

and if that sounds arrogant, it’s not meant to be. just trying to be sure we’re all on the same page. it is, after all, my blog, right? and if you’re here reading, and you like what you see well enough to come back, great. if you don’t, no worries. go in peace.

for the moment, i think that’s all i have to say. that and the fact that i’ve already spent my workday staring at a computer screen, so i’m about done with it for today. besides, i have this amazing man i’d like to go kiss now.

mmmmmmmm, love. nothing better in this world, i swear.

blessed be.

L

hello

2004-09-25T17:54:00.000-05:00

here i am in my new space.