working through the changes of my body and soul


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John's Journey
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According to Amber
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Friday, October 29, 2004

working it out as i go

posted by L | 10:24 PM

when John and i first started dating, email was a very primary connection for us. he would send me sweet notes, or hellos, or most often, links to things he found that he thought i would like to read. (he was usually right.) his experience in the lifestyle had started online, so he already had a wealth of marked sites and weblogs and other such things saved, and could get to the good stuff more easily than i.

what i found, and find still, is that more often than not, what posts he sends me to read give me a very mixed reaction. it doesn’t seem to matter whether dominant or submissive has written, but that i walk away feeling, well, mixed. whether a real-life account of a scene, or just musing, or a fantasy written out, i can never seem to just accept it and enjoy it. this confuses John a bit, i think; it certainly has made him feel as if he shouldn’t have sent that particular thing to me, which is not actually true.

the truth is, there are simply tons of things that other couples in the lifestyle do or say or partake in, for which i am just not ready. and some things for which i will never be ready.

but what i don’t get is why it affects me so much to read about those things. it’s not as if i think John has sent me a story of, say, a Dom and Sub scening in a public restroom in order to tell me he’d like to do that the next day (though i admit, at the very beginning, not being sure of that. thank goodness i asked!). he knows i’m not ready for anything that huge (not to mention illegal), and i know he would never push my boundaries in such a way that would simply be too far. i think the difficulty for me is that i start to identify with the ppl in the story, especially the love-based ones, and i think the story is headed for a familiar place, and it does go there, but then it takes what feels like 100 steps beyond what’s familiar, and all of a sudden i’m freaked.

i know that my limits will change; hell, they’ve changed already, so much so that i confuse myself pretty often (see earlier post). but there are so many things within submission that i don’t want. there are terms doms and subs alike use in their descriptions of activities, or of themselves, that i don’t like, don’t agree with, or just plain don’t understand. maybe it’s because they are all words on a screen, but phrases like “i fucked her mouth” seem so damned disrespectful that i can’t get past them. i know i have John’s respect, and that’s a big part of my trust in him. i know that even as he pushes my limits, he will still listen to me, he will still help me to understand when i don’t, and most importantly, he will hear me when i say “stop” and mean it.

and i do completely understand that every relationship is different, in or out of the lifestyle. i even know that the way we define terms is probably completely different from anyone else’s definition. so some part of me knows that when i am reading how he “fucked her mouth”, even as my head reels against it, that may not be as disrespectful within their relationship as it seems to me.

but it still bothers me, as do other things.

maybe some of the bother comes from the posts being so intense, where i’ll be happily reading along, really enjoying what i’m reading, getting ideas or getting turned on or whatever, and then WHAM! all that intensity is balled up into that moment of “i don’t like that at all!!” in other words, if i didn’t like the rest of the post so well, the part i don’t like wouldn’t affect me so much.

and for sure some of it is fear: of the unknown, of myself, of what John may want in the future that i just can’t imagine right now, of some of my more conservative friends and family ever finding out about this part of my life.

but i think also that some of that fear is that there could ever be a part of me that does want to be . . . THAT submissive. and i can’t give specific examples, because frankly i don’t feel like discussing my hard or soft limits with the world right now, but i do know that i don’t want to lose my sense of self within this. i feel that in John, i have found a guide and master who will take me down the path in such a way that i won’t lose my self, but realistically, there’s a chance something will get screwed up along that path, right?


yeah, i know: not so much, as long as we step carefully, and talk all the time at every step, and just be careful.

but i guess i’m cynical enough, even after he’s thawed my insides out, to know that the world isn’t actually wired for dreamers all the time. sometimes, you do still get bitten, and not in the Good Way.

and i know that from the outside, our relationship may even seem odd to others in the lifestyle as they observe us. and none of that matters to me, really. as long as we both feel respected and loved, the rest of the world can either accept it, ignore it, or ask questions if they really want to know.

but when i feel as if the person writing, whether top or bottom, is without respect, or without a sense of self-respect, that i think is what becomes difficult. because while i am John’s submissive, i am not his slave, and really don’t want to be such in any of the ways i’ve read about or seen so far. since definitions are ours to make, that may change, but again, it will be our definition, and it will be what works for us.

i’m sorry. i just re-read that paragraph, and there are too many ideas there to make sense.

let’s start with that first sentence: but when i feel as if the person writing, whether top or bottom, is without respect, or without a sense of self-respect, that i think is what becomes difficult. it’s not just the master/slave dynamic that i have trouble reading posts from, but that is one that usually hits me the hardest, because that seems to be where terms are used or ideas are presented that fly in the face of all i’ve been taught. and because my relationship is so different-seeming from what i see in those posts, it’s REALLY difficult to understand how either of those ppl can be truly happy. and i know i can’t see their whole lives, or whole relationships, outside of the weblog reality, so i have to remember: when i think that what’s been said or done is wrong, it’s not actually my problem. this does help.

okay, now that other bit: because while i am John’s submissive, i am not his slave, and really don’t want to be such in any of the ways i’ve read about or seen so far. since definitions are ours to make, that may change, but again, it will be our definition, and it will be what works for us. which goes back to the above, and how i can’t know what their lives are like outside that post or weblog. but i guess, if i were going to post exclusively about my lifestyle-related time, i’d put it all in there, not just the titillating bits. and perhaps this is done more than i realize, since i don’t spend the kind of time reading weblogs that i’d like to, but . . .

yeah. i don’t know, is it just me trying to push my values on to the others? the more i write, the more i wonder.

the point is, i have a lot to learn, and i know that. frankly, i’m just thankful for the opportunity, and i hope that now that i’ve worked some of this out, in the future, i can read those posts and enjoy them more, rather than having that nagging “that’s not right!” feeling.

know what i mean?

that’s all for now, except for wishing everyone a blessed Samhain.


10:24 PM [permalink] | |

Thursday, October 21, 2004

outer/inner world confusion

posted by L | 8:36 PM

my outer world is normal. every day, i get up, drink coffee, watch a little Buffy, and get ready for work. lately, John and I have been sharing my more-reliable car, so there’s a slight rush to leave, but we’ve pretty much got the routine down. i work my tail off every day at my job, and i come home with John and eat a good meal one of us has cooked (usually him, he’s SO good in the kitchen), then digest in front of the tv a short while. sometimes we take a walk, sometimes we don’t, and there always seems to be a phone call that needs to be made in the evening. in general, pretty normal.

within that normalcy is my relationship with John. I am not only his fiancé, i am also his submissive. we do not live the lifestyle 24/7, i don’t come home and put my collar on instantaneously, nor do i sit at his feet while he makes dinner. but we do have a very strong lifestyle relationship that is pretty well integrated into our dynamic and our daily lives. he moves me in to new territory a little at a time, and sometimes i have to be nudged more than others, and when i’m ready for something to move more quickly, i tell him so that he knows. i try my best to be good for him, and no matter what he suggests, i tell him honestly how i feel about it, whether i think i’m ready, and whether i’m interested in that particular aspect of fetish at all. the truth is, now that i’ve found him and realized that he is the person for whom i’ve been searching all my life, i find myself wanting to move faster than i ever thought i would, and i find myself willing to try many more things than i thought i would be. some of them i’ve liked, some of them i’ve been pretty indifferent to, but i like a lot more things/ideas than not. every new toy he’s brought home has been fun. every new style of play has been amazing and something i’m more than willing to do again.

this feeling of wanting to do it all, and do it often, wrt play, has caused quite a stir in my inner world, especially the parts where i’m so completely submissive to him. i’m your typical college-educated career woman: strong, intelligent, used to being on top of things, used to being in control of my world. this is actually why submission is so attractive to me, but it’s not as if it’s an easy thing to give up that control to anyone. so when i get in that particular head space we call “subspace”, and i know that he is the only person that can put me there, and i know that i can actually stay there a while and not worry about my outer world at all, that’s pretty damned special. but it means that my head gets a little confused when i return to “normal”, or normal for me.

it’s because of this that there have already been a thousand moments, and there will be a thousand more, when i look in the mirror and don’t recognize who is there. i keep expecting the changes in my being to show up on my face somehow, to show at least in my eyes, if not some other way. (a wart, perhaps?) and when i think of myself, sometimes i don’t even recognize the thoughts in my head, causing even more of a disconnected feeling than the mirror moments. i keep asking him “who am i?”, and he just answers “you’re my angel.”

he’s right, of course, but he’s as much an angel for me as i am for him, precisely because my whole life, my whole self, is changed, and changes more every day.

he says that when i look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself, it’s because so much has changed inside that i expect it to show outside, and when it doesn’t, there’s the confusion. i’m glad he could articulate it, cuz i was at a loss. my life has changed on every level, not just wrt to d/s, so it’s not as if it’s only the submission blossoming that has me confused. for the first time in my personal history, i am acutely aware that my biological clock is ticking, and that i actually WANT a baby. i am old enough that my mother had pretty much given up hope of grandchildren from me, so that gives you some idea of the revelation that has been. and i’ve finally found a man i want to marry and build a life with, which was the first step to all of this, but is in itself pretty huge. after all i’ve been thru, to be able to trust anyone enough to really share my heart with them is pretty amazing to me. that’s really more of a testimony to his soul than to mine, but it means once more that i am not the same person who looks at me from the mirror.

i imagine i’ll get used to it, at some point. so far, it’s been a little shocking every time. i keep expecting it to make more sense as i go, and perhaps it will. for now, i guess i’ll settle for being able to talk to John about it, and hope he can give me insight when i can’t find it on my own.

and i give thanks to all the gods of every dimension for sending him to me.

blessed be,

8:36 PM [permalink] | |

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

more in love today than yesterday

posted by L | 8:02 PM

this man. this man. this man has changed my life, i swear.

now, don’t get me wrong, i am my own person. i think, i walk, i talk, i have a college degree, all of which i got on my own (with a little help from my friends along the way). and, i’ve actually been in love before.

but, i swear, not like this. not anything like this.

you know that moment when you’ll just be sitting somewhere, and it just hits you that you get to go see that person you love in a little while, and that wave of joy rolls over you?

multiply that by about a billion, and then imagine that every moment of every day.

that’s how it is.

the fact that i’m sitting here writing about it instead of kissing him is only because he’s so amazing: he encourages me to take the time to write at all, and i actually DO it. i might even get into my book again soon because of him. writing it, that is, not reading; i read at least 3 books at a time anyway, even with him in my life.

but that’s not all he’s done.

he has taken my ice-cold, solidly frozen heart and absolutely melted away every last bit of fear, of hurt, of pain. he has brought a level of joy to my days of which i had only dreamed. and yes, i do sound like a movie, or a hopeless romantic, but that’s what i am, and it’s because of him.

and the cynically sarcastic side of me still exists, because i do actually live in THIS world of tragically comic happenings, but most of the time, i just float. our world together is so not the normal world. when i get home at nite, unless there’s some reason we can’t just go home and be together, it’s all about us. i take the time to call friends; he takes the time to do his things, of course. but we do them together, in our shared household, and every moment we can, we talk or kiss or hug or just communicate with ‘i love yous’. and when the outside stuff is done, when dinner is finished and the dishes mostly cleaned, the air changes a little, and we both know it’s our time completely.

and i feel sorry for anyone who doesn’t understand at least a little, cuz it’s so hard to explain. after a weekend together of even the most mundane things (laundry, errands, etc.), going back to work on monday is EXCRUCIATING. stepping back in to what everyone else perceives as normal has become the hardest thing either of us has to do. especially if there’s been the usual amount of sex for the weekend, which is a LOT; then it’s even worse. sometimes, the thought of leaving that bed for any reason just seems sacrilegious.

so, most of the time, we just don’t.

i swear, the man has talents most ppl only dream of. i certainly dreamed of them, but until i met him, didn’t even really know of what i was dreaming. first, there’s the kissing. then, there are the extremely talented massage techniques. add to that his skills at oral sex.

oh, i could go on for days about that. for instance, the fact that until this moment in my life, no one who had ever done that for me/to me/whatever had ever gotten me to orgasm more than once per “session”: as a rule, John is inclined to help me achieve that, oh, say, 6-10 times on average for a short session. and not just those little “mini” ones, either. the sounds that come out of me . . . primal is the only word. (and not just orally; i’ve barely scratched that surface for now. i’ll save the rest for later.)

he has awakened a force within my self that i always knew was there, but who was never fed properly, never nurtured, or allowed to bloom. call it my sexuality, call it my Id, call it my inner tigress, whatever, SHE is awake, and she is only just learning what it means to be awake. and the more sex we have, the more awake she gets.

i’ve never been a person afraid of my sexuality, afraid to admit that i’m pretty much in the mood all the time, but i have always had a reason (usually forced on me) to suppress that. with John, it’s out and SO proud! for the first time in my life, i don’t feel like i have to hide anything. for the first time, i’m with someone who can handle ALL of me, and who actually WANTS to hear it all, the good and the bad, the cranky and the sweet, the hardcore and the gentle. . . he’s amazing.

and, of all things, he loves ME.

not that i have this huge problem with my self-confidence, cuz i really don’t, but i’ve been around the block enough to know that i’m not the easiest person at times. thank god, he’s been around the block, too, and knows that whatever i throw at him, he can either handle or throw it back for me to handle.

so, what, do i love him?

more than anything anyone anywhere anyhow anytime.

and the best part is, i get to marry him.

i hope that everyone in the world gets to feel like this, even for a moment, cuz there’s nothing like it, and i wish it for everyone.

blessed be.


8:02 PM [permalink] | |