|working through the changes of my body and soul|
Letters to an Angel
According to Amber
Descent into the Dungeon
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
posted by L | 8:27 PM
so my darling John is under the impression that writing is good for me. he’s right, of course, but that doesn’t change the fact that actually sitting down to write isn’t easy for me.
so this new space is our idea, borne of his good experiences, to help me make an attempt at regular writing, and to get some of my own ideas out of my head and into the world. i hope to be here regularly, even if life tends to give me all sorts of reasons to not write; committing to a space will hopefully help that a bit as well.
he is also of the mind that some of what i have to say is something someone besides his wonderful and brilliant mind might actually be interested in hearing, which i hope is true, but those little voices sometimes disagree.
my life is pretty crazy, and i keep thinking time is going to slow a bit, even a little bit, but so far that seems to be a total pipe dream. i was having a conversation with a friend the other week about the phenomenon of time going faster, and said “i know i can’t expect it to actually slow down, but does anything ever begin to return to routine at least?” he agreed this would be nice, and shared that no, it probably doesn’t.
sometimes a little more routine would be so comforting. that way, when i plan things, the daily life stuff that needs to get done would still get done! laundry and dishes, for example. John and I have managed to establish that at the end of our work days there will be an evening meal, but that’s about all we can stick to as far as routine. part of it is that my (and frankly, his) outer world has been pretty chaotic lately, and part of it is that we have so much to do to organize our newly-shared living space, but the fact is, when the little stuff gets lost in the shuffle, not much of the big stuff gets done, either. we get home, we manage to cook (correction, the chef John manages to cook) a good meal, but then . . . sometimes the dishes get worked on, sometimes not. and it doesn’t bother me in the least to leave them a day or two, but much more than that and there’s no workspace for the next meal in our incredibly tiny kitchen. we keep saying we’d like it to work better, but neither of us can come up with an easy solution that doesn’t seem to mean an endless stream of dishes at the end of every day. :/
the good news is, most of the time we spend, when we “should” be unpacking or organizing, is generally spent kissing. :) or, you know, other things related to kissing . . . so by no means a waste of time. the more time we spend in the bedroom the better (in both our minds), but it does mean that some things get put off.
like me writing, for example.
but the truth is, we’re both so hot for each other that mostly we just don’t care. :)
and there are plenty of moments when we’re in the bedroom when i think of things i’d like to write, so i try to remember them (since writing them down for later is generally not an option), but sometimes my recall lacks. especially the times when my mind is in a particular state, and the only way to remember the tidbit is to be in that same state of mind . . . which is only achieved in the throes of quite a lot of passion . . . again, not a time for writing things down.
passion. now there’s a word i thought i understood. before John, i thought i knew what passion was, what it meant to have it, what it meant to feel it and want more of it.
boys and girls, i didn’t have a clue, as it turns out. and i mean that in a good way. :)
John has brought a level of passion, love, and joy to my life that i cannot begin to touch on with words. i could write for days about how much i love him, how much i want him, how amazing he has made my world, and not one sentence of it would even begin to actually tell you what it’s like. but i’ll try, if you like. think “the Princess Bride”. or “the Fifth Element”. or “Shakespeare in Love”. if any of those movies move you, and make you want that kind of love in your life, then you are capable of understanding what my life is like now. it is absolutely a new world, and it’s brighter and fresher every day with him. i swear it.
if, on the other hand, none of those movies, or ones like them, do anything to move you, well, then, good luck, but not much of my emotional communication is going to make much sense. :) either way, i’ll have fun writing about it, and trying to tell the world that it IS possible to feel like those movies every day, that it IS possible to be *that* in love with someone.
it’s not very easy for me to share the really deep stuff, so sometimes i’ll start a sentence one way and suddenly trail off into a whole other direction. that’s just my defense mechanism manifesting thru the keyboard, so don’t think it’s you who’s wondering “what? what does that mean? i thought she was going to say this . . .” (sometimes when i write, and then go back to read it, i say the same thing in my head!) the point is, writing in this space is about me getting stuff out of my head, hopefully with some benefit to others, but mostly to benefit me.
and if that sounds arrogant, it’s not meant to be. just trying to be sure we’re all on the same page. it is, after all, my blog, right? and if you’re here reading, and you like what you see well enough to come back, great. if you don’t, no worries. go in peace.
for the moment, i think that’s all i have to say. that and the fact that i’ve already spent my workday staring at a computer screen, so i’m about done with it for today. besides, i have this amazing man i’d like to go kiss now.
mmmmmmmm, love. nothing better in this world, i swear.
Saturday, September 25, 2004
posted by L | 5:54 PM
here i am in my new space.